Channel the Madness Into Productivity

I have all the vices of a writer, without the dedication. Maybe the constant numbness keeps the words at bay. Or maybe I’m just fucking lazy. Either way, I’m doing a disservice to my craft.

I indulge without divulging. I keep all my crazed thoughts to myself. But what fun is misery without some company?

We all have our demons, right? Each of us handles them differently, though.

Bukowski chose whiskey and women; Thompson chose anything he could damn well get his hands on. Shit, even Keats got down on some opium. Me? I choose marijuana and red wine.

Regardless, I need to stop finding (and accepting) excuses to not write. Or run. Or do yoga. Or clean my apartment.

I refuse to blame my lack of discipline on my moderate substance abuse when Stephen King spent nearly the entirety of the 80s on a coke-fueled writing spree!

I just need to learn to channel the madness into productivity.

Things happen...

Nothing sends you into a tailspin of sheer panic and self-doubt quite like job hunting or moving. I am in the heart wrenching middle of both right now. Despite making good progress, I find myself questioning my capabilities and what I am meant to do. I only took a year and a half off from my chosen profession. Considering that I just graduated a little over two years ago, that's a mere blink of an eye to most. Yet I'm so afraid of being judged for it, like people won't understand that things happen in people's lives to make them need a bit of a breather.

It's not like I am incapable or can't handle the PR industry. I can; I know that I can. I proved myself rather well in school, in my internship, in my first job out of college running my own department. Things happen, though. My dad died, my mom moved, my brother fell into all kinds of problems, I left one relationship just to dive head first into another and watch it crumble over the course of three years...Things happen.

However, I do believe that things happen for a reason. I have to view all of these things that have happened as lessons learned and utilize them to make me a better and stronger person. I have found myself way outside of my comfort zone recently. But I am told, that is how we grow. You can't recognize light without dark and you can't feel well without having suffered.

Here's to all of you in places that you never thought that you would be. Know that you are not alone and that it will be alright, because things just happen...

Spinning tires...

I waste time in idle nothingness. The Internet is such a blessing and such a waste at the same time. When you are hurting and have too much time on your hands, it is so easy to fall into a toxic cycle of not wanting to do anything of meaning. It is so much easier to just fall into the habits of wasting away on Facebook and Tiny Buddha and YouTube. Yes, there are some amazing things to be found on all of these, but most of it is fairly brainless. It certainly shouldn't take as much of my time as it has recently. Consuming shouldn't take over your urge to create.

I have made myself a vow to write something everyday. It's certainly not easy. When you are stuck spinning your tires everyday in a never-ending cycle of feeling sorry for yourself, while simultaneously trying to pull yourself out of such a rut, it becomes tiresome to find something worth writing about. But that's not the point. I didn't say that I had to write something meaningful; I just said that I have to write every single day.

Obviously, the goal is to hone my skill and eventually have come up with something truly meaningful to write about. I have been mulling over a few ideas, which I hope will come to fruition soon. I just have to find a way to make my topics new and refreshing and interesting. I also need to come up with a name and specific topic for a new blog. This is such a great outlet for getting things off my chest, but these aren't stories that I really want to publicize. This is a place for me to get things out of my head and into the world. I have read others' personal blogs and it is nice to see people being honest about the things that are most personal to them. It's genuine and relatable, but that doesn't mean that it has to be broadcasted to everyone that I know.

I am thinking about a general whole living blog. I have so much experience with nutrition and natural health and beauty, that I feel like I could be a strong voice on that subject. However, I have so many interests that fall into so many different categories, that it is hard for me to limit myself. I need to have some direction, though. Maybe I will start a series of blogs! I want to indulge in my curiosity, without limiting myself to just one topic.

For now, though, I must rest. I require so much rest these days.

It's all so easy...

It's so easy to feel like life is passing you by when you are unsure of your future. I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years and moved across the country. I have no job, no apartment...I don't even have my cat right now. I am quick to feel overwhelmed these days.

Social media certainly doesn't help. I try to remind myself that everyone puts the best and most interesting parts of their lives on Facebook. Even I would probably seem to really have my shit together if all you knew about me were the things that I post on Facebook. But, when you see your ex and all of your friends having a grand ol' time while you are sitting in your pajamas with a glass of wine every night, reading and watching TV alone, it's just so easy to feel like you're missing out.

I know I am being too hard on myself. I just got to Colorado two weeks ago. It would be a goddamned miracle if I were to already have everything figured out. I just want to feel like I have SOMETHING figured out. It's so damn easy to feel like you're falling behind.

Self-Love Is Not A Crime

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, then they leave. And thank God for it."- Richard the Texan; 'Eat, Pray, Love'

No matter how amicable, breakups are never an easy affair. There will always be hurt. There will always be that lurking sense of phantom limb syndrome; like a piece of you is missing...because there is a piece missing. When you devote yourself to a person and decide to break that connection, you each take a piece of each other with you. We become a mosaic of all of the people who have left our lives.

The only way to grow through this is to learn to love yourself again...as an individual, not one half of a couple. So many seem to view self-love as sin, as if it is pure pride. Self-love is not a crime. In fact, it is key to becoming whole. Self-love is vital in developing the ability to love deeper than you ever knew you could.

As long as you are looking for something or someone to fill a void in your soul, you will never be content. We must learn to love ourselves fully and completely, even the parts we hate, before we can expect anyone else to love us in the way that we deserve. How can we expect to extend love to others when we can't completely feel it ourselves?

There are many types of soul mates; I don't believe anyone can have just one great love in their lifetime. They may choose to commit themselves to one person, but that doesn't mean that they will never again have a deep and meaningful connection with another person.

As Richard the Texan mentions in 'Eat, Pray, Love', a true soul mate is someone that can tear down the walls that you have built around the most vulnerable and incomplete parts of yourself. They see the things that you hide away from the world out of fear, the things that you are ashamed of and too scared to face alone. Not all soul mates will build you back up, though. Sometimes others have to break you before you can find the pieces that were buried and broken all along. Then it is up to you to rebuild yourself.

Therefore, I encourage you to surround yourself with those who challenge you. This work is never easy, but it is so necessary. Build yourself up with a whole host of "soul mates," those who force you to see the worst parts of yourself. Find those who see deep inside you to the dark, cobwebbed corners of your mind. Those who truly love you, though, will help you pull the darkness into the light. Those are the ones worth waiting and building yourself up for.

SOPA + PIPA: Seek and Destroy

If you have internet access, but have somehow managed to escape hearing about SOPA and PIPA, you aren't doing it right! The internet is an amazing tool that has totally changed the face of society over the past few decades. We have seen some bold and interesting things arise from the WWW. Unfortunately, we have also seen some truly horrifying things.

As a blogger, social media enthusiast and twenty-something, I can't imagine the crippling effect that these bills would have on the way that people communicate, create and entertain. The internet has allowed people to share and learn at a rate that could have never been imagined before. To censor user-generated content is to censor the American people and we cannot stand for it.

I agree that piracy is a huge issue, especially when there are services like Spotify and Netflix that offer just about everything at your finger tips for a small monthly fee. However, we cannot allow the government to censor and shut down any website that they deem to be "a threat" or even just "facilitating theft."

Do you even realize how incredibly simple and common copyright infringement is? For example, if a blog were to even mention the new Beyoncé album and not credit it correctly, it could be shut down in an instant. Which is to say, that if bloggers are going to be held with such high esteem, they should be responsible for credibility...but that's a different topic entirely.

We are trivializing everything that we have built on the internet...the beautiful, intricate web of art and information. Yes, there are websites out there that the world wide web would probably be better without, but are you willing to sacrifice blogs, social media, wikis...any user-generated content, really...just to stop some douche bags from downloading porn and the new Nickelback CD? No, thanks...there's gotta be a better way.

Stand up now and STOP WEB CENSORSHIP!

Cinq enseignements

Despite the constant threat of the rain clouds on the horizon, things have never looked brighter. I smile with every pore and every cell. I belong precisely where I am. (I just know it.)

A morning in bed. A boy that makes me laugh. A good book. A strong coffee. I'm in sheer bliss as of late.

Some things I've learned lately:

un.) Things are immaterial and unimportant. Things can be replaced. Place your stake in who and what you love, not what you have.

deux.) Put yourself first and you can never get hurt. When you are doing what pleases you, others tend to share in your pleasure. Especially those who truly love you. Those who don't understand, probably aren't worth having around anyhow.

trois.) Surround yourself with people and things that inspire you. Seeing others perform well, or write well, or speak well will challenge you. Always work harder and find people that will push your boundaries.

quatre.) Every moment is an opportunity to learn. Every single person you meet has a story and a lesson if you will just take the time to listen. Never stop questioning. Never suppress your curiosity.

cinq.) Learn to appreciate silence. Or at least mere white noise. We are on overload. A bunch of "quiet-ophobics" and "sound-oholics." Live in your thoughts for a while and be peaceful in that.