Channel the Madness Into Productivity

I have all the vices of a writer, without the dedication. Maybe the constant numbness keeps the words at bay. Or maybe I’m just fucking lazy. Either way, I’m doing a disservice to my craft.

I indulge without divulging. I keep all my crazed thoughts to myself. But what fun is misery without some company?

We all have our demons, right? Each of us handles them differently, though.

Bukowski chose whiskey and women; Thompson chose anything he could damn well get his hands on. Shit, even Keats got down on some opium. Me? I choose marijuana and red wine.

Regardless, I need to stop finding (and accepting) excuses to not write. Or run. Or do yoga. Or clean my apartment.

I refuse to blame my lack of discipline on my moderate substance abuse when Stephen King spent nearly the entirety of the 80s on a coke-fueled writing spree!

I just need to learn to channel the madness into productivity.

Things happen...

Nothing sends you into a tailspin of sheer panic and self-doubt quite like job hunting or moving. I am in the heart wrenching middle of both right now. Despite making good progress, I find myself questioning my capabilities and what I am meant to do. I only took a year and a half off from my chosen profession. Considering that I just graduated a little over two years ago, that's a mere blink of an eye to most. Yet I'm so afraid of being judged for it, like people won't understand that things happen in people's lives to make them need a bit of a breather.

It's not like I am incapable or can't handle the PR industry. I can; I know that I can. I proved myself rather well in school, in my internship, in my first job out of college running my own department. Things happen, though. My dad died, my mom moved, my brother fell into all kinds of problems, I left one relationship just to dive head first into another and watch it crumble over the course of three years...Things happen.

However, I do believe that things happen for a reason. I have to view all of these things that have happened as lessons learned and utilize them to make me a better and stronger person. I have found myself way outside of my comfort zone recently. But I am told, that is how we grow. You can't recognize light without dark and you can't feel well without having suffered.

Here's to all of you in places that you never thought that you would be. Know that you are not alone and that it will be alright, because things just happen...

Spinning tires...

I waste time in idle nothingness. The Internet is such a blessing and such a waste at the same time. When you are hurting and have too much time on your hands, it is so easy to fall into a toxic cycle of not wanting to do anything of meaning. It is so much easier to just fall into the habits of wasting away on Facebook and Tiny Buddha and YouTube. Yes, there are some amazing things to be found on all of these, but most of it is fairly brainless. It certainly shouldn't take as much of my time as it has recently. Consuming shouldn't take over your urge to create.

I have made myself a vow to write something everyday. It's certainly not easy. When you are stuck spinning your tires everyday in a never-ending cycle of feeling sorry for yourself, while simultaneously trying to pull yourself out of such a rut, it becomes tiresome to find something worth writing about. But that's not the point. I didn't say that I had to write something meaningful; I just said that I have to write every single day.

Obviously, the goal is to hone my skill and eventually have come up with something truly meaningful to write about. I have been mulling over a few ideas, which I hope will come to fruition soon. I just have to find a way to make my topics new and refreshing and interesting. I also need to come up with a name and specific topic for a new blog. This is such a great outlet for getting things off my chest, but these aren't stories that I really want to publicize. This is a place for me to get things out of my head and into the world. I have read others' personal blogs and it is nice to see people being honest about the things that are most personal to them. It's genuine and relatable, but that doesn't mean that it has to be broadcasted to everyone that I know.

I am thinking about a general whole living blog. I have so much experience with nutrition and natural health and beauty, that I feel like I could be a strong voice on that subject. However, I have so many interests that fall into so many different categories, that it is hard for me to limit myself. I need to have some direction, though. Maybe I will start a series of blogs! I want to indulge in my curiosity, without limiting myself to just one topic.

For now, though, I must rest. I require so much rest these days.

It's all so easy...

It's so easy to feel like life is passing you by when you are unsure of your future. I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years and moved across the country. I have no job, no apartment...I don't even have my cat right now. I am quick to feel overwhelmed these days.

Social media certainly doesn't help. I try to remind myself that everyone puts the best and most interesting parts of their lives on Facebook. Even I would probably seem to really have my shit together if all you knew about me were the things that I post on Facebook. But, when you see your ex and all of your friends having a grand ol' time while you are sitting in your pajamas with a glass of wine every night, reading and watching TV alone, it's just so easy to feel like you're missing out.

I know I am being too hard on myself. I just got to Colorado two weeks ago. It would be a goddamned miracle if I were to already have everything figured out. I just want to feel like I have SOMETHING figured out. It's so damn easy to feel like you're falling behind.

Self-Love Is Not A Crime

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, then they leave. And thank God for it."- Richard the Texan; 'Eat, Pray, Love'

No matter how amicable, breakups are never an easy affair. There will always be hurt. There will always be that lurking sense of phantom limb syndrome; like a piece of you is missing...because there is a piece missing. When you devote yourself to a person and decide to break that connection, you each take a piece of each other with you. We become a mosaic of all of the people who have left our lives.

The only way to grow through this is to learn to love yourself again...as an individual, not one half of a couple. So many seem to view self-love as sin, as if it is pure pride. Self-love is not a crime. In fact, it is key to becoming whole. Self-love is vital in developing the ability to love deeper than you ever knew you could.

As long as you are looking for something or someone to fill a void in your soul, you will never be content. We must learn to love ourselves fully and completely, even the parts we hate, before we can expect anyone else to love us in the way that we deserve. How can we expect to extend love to others when we can't completely feel it ourselves?

There are many types of soul mates; I don't believe anyone can have just one great love in their lifetime. They may choose to commit themselves to one person, but that doesn't mean that they will never again have a deep and meaningful connection with another person.

As Richard the Texan mentions in 'Eat, Pray, Love', a true soul mate is someone that can tear down the walls that you have built around the most vulnerable and incomplete parts of yourself. They see the things that you hide away from the world out of fear, the things that you are ashamed of and too scared to face alone. Not all soul mates will build you back up, though. Sometimes others have to break you before you can find the pieces that were buried and broken all along. Then it is up to you to rebuild yourself.

Therefore, I encourage you to surround yourself with those who challenge you. This work is never easy, but it is so necessary. Build yourself up with a whole host of "soul mates," those who force you to see the worst parts of yourself. Find those who see deep inside you to the dark, cobwebbed corners of your mind. Those who truly love you, though, will help you pull the darkness into the light. Those are the ones worth waiting and building yourself up for.

SOPA + PIPA: Seek and Destroy

If you have internet access, but have somehow managed to escape hearing about SOPA and PIPA, you aren't doing it right! The internet is an amazing tool that has totally changed the face of society over the past few decades. We have seen some bold and interesting things arise from the WWW. Unfortunately, we have also seen some truly horrifying things.

As a blogger, social media enthusiast and twenty-something, I can't imagine the crippling effect that these bills would have on the way that people communicate, create and entertain. The internet has allowed people to share and learn at a rate that could have never been imagined before. To censor user-generated content is to censor the American people and we cannot stand for it.

I agree that piracy is a huge issue, especially when there are services like Spotify and Netflix that offer just about everything at your finger tips for a small monthly fee. However, we cannot allow the government to censor and shut down any website that they deem to be "a threat" or even just "facilitating theft."

Do you even realize how incredibly simple and common copyright infringement is? For example, if a blog were to even mention the new Beyoncé album and not credit it correctly, it could be shut down in an instant. Which is to say, that if bloggers are going to be held with such high esteem, they should be responsible for credibility...but that's a different topic entirely.

We are trivializing everything that we have built on the internet...the beautiful, intricate web of art and information. Yes, there are websites out there that the world wide web would probably be better without, but are you willing to sacrifice blogs, social media, wikis...any user-generated content, really...just to stop some douche bags from downloading porn and the new Nickelback CD? No, thanks...there's gotta be a better way.

Stand up now and STOP WEB CENSORSHIP!

Cinq enseignements

Despite the constant threat of the rain clouds on the horizon, things have never looked brighter. I smile with every pore and every cell. I belong precisely where I am. (I just know it.)

A morning in bed. A boy that makes me laugh. A good book. A strong coffee. I'm in sheer bliss as of late.

Some things I've learned lately:

un.) Things are immaterial and unimportant. Things can be replaced. Place your stake in who and what you love, not what you have.

deux.) Put yourself first and you can never get hurt. When you are doing what pleases you, others tend to share in your pleasure. Especially those who truly love you. Those who don't understand, probably aren't worth having around anyhow.

trois.) Surround yourself with people and things that inspire you. Seeing others perform well, or write well, or speak well will challenge you. Always work harder and find people that will push your boundaries.

quatre.) Every moment is an opportunity to learn. Every single person you meet has a story and a lesson if you will just take the time to listen. Never stop questioning. Never suppress your curiosity.

cinq.) Learn to appreciate silence. Or at least mere white noise. We are on overload. A bunch of "quiet-ophobics" and "sound-oholics." Live in your thoughts for a while and be peaceful in that.

Bruises on my face and a kitten that won't stop meowing

Writing used to be therapeutic for me. Now I feel like I don't have anything worth saying. I'm just stuck inside my head with my stupid, selfish thoughts.

Thoughts of debauchery; wishing for something more, but not knowing where to start. I feel insatiable.

Maybe I'm not the one that isn't giving enough. Maybe I don't expect enough out of him. I don't want to rock the boat again so I leave it be. But maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I deserve more.

I need some motivation and direction. I don't want to be stuck here but I don't want to leave either. I don't know what I want to do but I know I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing now. My life is in shambles. Can someone please help me pick up the pieces?

P.S.

If anyone has any kitten training tips, I'm quite open to them. Gatsby is adorable but he is such a little shit.

I'm considering becoming an American in Paris...

Sometimes I feel insignificant. I've come to the realization lately that I put everything on myself. I run and work and worry. I put everything I have into the things that I do until I wither down to a single thread and at the end of the day, I still ask myself "Did I do enough? Am I enough?"

I will be a college-graduate in a few short weeks. I have lived in three different states and been in at least ten different schools, maybe more. I have seen both ends of the Atlantic. I have seen my father lose a two-year battle to Leukemia. I am 20 only years old.

I have done more in my life than some people who are double my age. I have the world at my feet, but I'm not always so self-confident.

Sometimes you have to crumble before you can rebuild. I may be a little weathered now, but I can feel something bursting at the seams. I'm ready for my next big adventure.

Cerebral Pining

I'm stuck in a nostalgic tidal wave and its threatening to pull me under.

Reminiscing is such a dangerous game. It starts out innocently enough but when your missing the ones you can't have and misunderstanding the ones you do, there's no way you can win. You're just stuck in your own head, with all the things you wish you could forget. You can't let go. You can't FUCKING let go.

All the memories (yours and mine) come flooding in. They march out of the darkest, cobwebbed corners of your brain. You thought they were dead but they were just pretending. They're threatening to take down everything that you have built for yourself. Everything that you worked for and lived for and bled for. You're watching it all fall.

All that's left to wonder is:

Can I pull myself back out of the rabbit hole or is it too late (again)?

Rose tinted lies

I look at old photographs. Frozen moments in time. Me, my lover, my teddy bear, Mohican State Park, my friends, my family. Mementos of a different time.
I don't know if the world was really simpler, but it sure seemed that way. Back when the pale white walls of my room bore no signs of being inhabited. Before I called this still seeming foreign place home. Back when it was just me, Marilyn and Audrey.
They both seem so perfect, frozen forever in film reels. Never aging, never tiring. Just entirely lovely.
But that's a dream world. That place doesn't exist anymore.
It's just another rose tinted lie.

So today was on off day...stay with me and I'm sure we'll have a few hundred more...

Today was one of those days that I couldn't help but wonder, "If I leave my sunglasses on all day, do you think anyone will know I'm crying?"
The future is a scary thing...especially when you're trying to plan one for more than just yourself. You see, I fell in love. When that happens, all the things you had planned go out the window. Sometimes for the best, sometimes not, but always unexpected.
I'm one of those girls that likes to have a plan. I like to know where I'm going and what I'm doing. I've never been one to fly too far by the seat of my pants.
Apartments, jobs, grades, parents, boyfriends, roommates...sometimes I wish it was just plain ol' me. But really...what fun would that be?
Life sure ain't easy and it ain't always fun, but you do what you can and hope for the best. Sometimes, that's just all right by me.

I Felt Free....

And it's nights like this that made us feel alive...

The beginning to a weekend of phenomenal proportions...I attended a house show at "House House" last night. I got down. I conversed with some wonderful people. I loved life.
It was one of those nights where you feel like the world makes sense again. The sheer atmosphere of community enveloped everyone around. I felt like everyone was just waiting around the corner to meet me and be life-long friends. The sense of Do It Together, rather than Do It Yourself...No one is left to their own devices. Last night went beyond the singularity of being straight into the depths of love, friendship and neighborhood.
Tonight, I fully anticipate getting down even harder! I'm so ready to party with Thrice and Manchester Orchestra! LET'S FUCKING GOOOO!
Tomorrow, we celebrate all of the hard work that the fantastic Burr crew invested all semester long coming to fruition in the form of a simply marvelous publication! I'm very proud to have been a part of this endeavor. Tomorrow we want everyone to join us at Professor's Pub in Kent, Ohio at 7 p.m. for food, music and jubilation!!!
Saturday, I fear for the safety of my household (but in a good way?). The annual CollegeFest will be ravaging my street from approximately 9 a.m. until another fire breaks out (see photo above from last year...) or the police shut us down (see other photo from last year...) or we simply dissipate like good civilians...Regardless, it is sure to be an event not to be missed!

I'm just exactly where I want to be...

After all, it's you, my pride and me...

I've been putting this blogpost off for way too long. I'm not a very loyal writer. I'll doubt my abilities to translate my thoughts and simply avoid sitting down to the therapeutic roll of my fingers over the keys that I secretly miss so much.
I bought tickets to see two absolutely phenomenal bands today. I have a date with Mister Dustin Kensrue and Mister Andy Hull next Thursday.
Thrice has been one of my all-time favorite bands since I was in eighth grade. They have changed the way I see music. It's not about what you used to make, it's about what you have still yet to create.
The first time I saw Manchester Orchestra was with another band that I have listened to since my youth. Brand New was a very important part of my high school years, so seeing Manchester Orchestra before them was a monumental event. They have such a great aesthetic and don't subscribe to any genre. They always push themselves further and find new ways to interpret themselves.
On Thursday, these loose threads of my musical repertoire will entwine as I get to experience what is bound to be the concert of the year.
I have to admit that I fell behind on their discographies. I am catching up today and, my, how I have missed you guys!
Manchester Orchestra has found a harsher, rougher, earthier niche that suits them so perfectly! 'Means Everything to Nothing' has swept it's way up the rungs of my musical heirarchy. This album is a keeper. From the production quality to the use of instruments, their true musical ability really shines on this album. They have a much more organic sound, that is electronic and pulsing around the edges. It is the perfect juxtaposition of the former sharp, electric sounds of 'You Brainstorm, I Brainstorm, But Brilliance Needs A Good Editor' and the blues roots lo-fi feel that began to surface in 'Like A Virgin Losing A Child.'
Thrice, on the other hand, is just a whole 'nother mammal! These guys have never ceased to astound me with their constant progression. These guys don't burn bridges, they build them. As a matter of fact, they build entire highways. They don't let anything fall behind in what they have learned about their sound. Everything that you hear in this album can show you where they've been. They incorporate every punk-rock chord they used back in the 'Identity Crisis' days and every discordant melody they discovered with 'Alchemy Index.' Yet somehow, you can always find something new. The only thing that troubles me about this album is where will they go next? They've covered so much ground, what could be left? But then again, isn't that what I say everytime? That's the sign of true musicianship.

The climax of a narrative or sequence of events...

Who would have thought that the payoff for all the aforementioned hardwork would come so soon? Today, I found out that I am the first ever Director of Public Relations and Marketing for The Burr, one of the school magazines (which is a paid position!).
About 15 minutes after finding out that I got the job, we had our first meeting and we have another meeting on Friday. I feel like I'm being inducted by fire...but I absolutely love it!

Some initial ideas for promotion:

1. Incorporate local businesses into the campaign by asking them to host promotional concerts.
2. Create a grassroots movement, similar to the Obey phenomenon, of ambiguous promotion materials to spark interest and interaction.
3. Taking a multimedia approach to promotions by utilizing standard items such as stickers, fliers, etc...as well as promotional spots in other forms of student media, online videos and, perhaps, photojournalistic efforts.


All of this was cultivated in under an hour. I'm getting very good vibes about this!

I can see my future reflected in the snowflakes.

Here I am, plugging away at my PR case study, surrounded by masses of the student body, all persisting after the same goal: survival. As I type, I look around at the faces. I see stress, anxiety, sugar, caffeine...all basic tools in pursuing towards the final product.

Table after table, strewn with laptops, textbooks, Red Bull, Polar Pop, candy bars, cookies...anything to get us all through the night. Students scrawl notes anxiously and type term papers furiously...all just looking to the end, knowing it will all be over soon. Survival is in their grasp.

Finals are my favorite part of each semester, not because of the mass amounts of labor that are required, but the realization that we're all in this together. I see my own worries and struggles reflected in the faces of my exhausted and work-weary peers and I can comprehend that I'm not alone.

We're all stressed, we're all over-worked, we're all tired. But, we're all also going to succeed. It's times like these that make everything worth it.

Lauren sits next to me, stressing over every objective, strategy, tactic, key message....I look on in awe. I can crank out some ideas but I need more motivation. I shouldn't be blogging...I should be working.

The weather is inclimate now. Each smoke break, the outdoors seem more and more menacing. At the same time, though, it provides some solace. The snow dances across the sides of the building and I reflect on this time last year. The consistency brings me some sort of peace. Although not optimal, the weather here certainly is reliable. I can't wait for this time next year, when I will be frantically completing my PR campaign. These hours in the library will bring me closer to that time when I will finally be free. Free to do as I please and start to make my way in the world. Is it strange that I see my future reflected in the snow? I look out the window and see everything ahead of me.

I can't wait.


I hope this is what my future looks like...I want my hippie days.

Waiting for the beat to kick in, but it never does...

Other than saying I wish I was more like the woman to the left (SJP ♥), this post will not be so much about my words today as another's words which have truly inspired me.

The song below really struck a note with me the other day. It came to me at a time when I was thinking about the same things. (Except I was more worried about writing term papers than writing some mad beatz...)

What do you mean keep it real, could someone please explain,
when reality is just light interpreted by your brain?
And if mine and your perceptions ain't one & the same,
which one of us is normal and which one is insane?

The skin never forgets a deep abrasion,
yet your brain often forgets deep conversations.
This annoys me, due to the nature of humanity.
I want to remember the good, not just the bad things that happened to me.
And, yeah, I understand the mind's an intricate tapestry.
So is the skin and that still records damage, see.

This scar above my eyebrow is from when I was a kid
and my skin has kept record of the damage I did.
Twenty some years down the line from that very day,
documentation of the carelessness and the price you pay.
Yet, this over-complex brain that just sits inside of my head
can't remember the last things me & my friend J said.

I don't want to be just devoid of desire.
I don't want to be another bird on the wire.
I don't want to be just a log on the fire.
I don't want to be that at all.

I've got a heart rate that's erratic.
I guess god fucked up the schematic.
I can't hack it and I panic and that makes it go pneumatic,
causing landslides tearing at my insides.

Sometimes I think I'll live forever, but I know I won't.
When I really should be working on the flow, I dont.
I just sit here & read extracts from this note I wrote,
trying to find something that is worth a quote.

Fixing up mad bitches like lobotomy stitches.
When I hit a tight rhyme see my leg, it twitches.
I ain't into this game for the fame or riches.
Good to write tight rhymes, street poems and scriptures.

Now what's the point I'm making? Why I'm saying this out loud?
Am I convincing myself or pandering to the crowd?
You hear every word, you would still never know me.
Like Sean Penn could win 10 Oscars but he'll still be Spicoli.



(Rapper's Battle - Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip)

etc...

A new year is quickly approaching & I don't feel any different. Yet, I feel completely different.
Where did this year go? I feel like it blew past me before I even knew it was coming. I can't help but wonder did I live this year to the fullest?
Yes and no...I fell in love, started a folk band, started my major classes, etc. However, graduation got bumped a semester, I still don't have any idea what I'm going to do for my internship, my grades are suffering a stress-induced decline (18 hrs. of public relations courses kick my ass), etc. etc. etc.
It's also time for lists...Year's Best, Decade's Best and I'd like to contemplate some possible New Year's resolutions. For the "best of" lists, I'd like to do albums and movies. We'll see how that goes...
Speaking of lists...

Things I'm Thankful For:
#1: my Brandapanda
#2: my wonderful friends
#3: FASHION (see photo...)
#4: great music/jamming with my wonderful friends.

Am I a masochist?

I know how jealous I am. So,why do I ask? I always ask & then regret. I guess I just secretly wish I was slender & sexy & desirable, too.
Why does society make girls think they're borderline worthless if they're not the ideal that's in magazines & films & on stage? Why do we allow ourselves to subscribe to such bullshit ideologies? Why is it that we have allowed our society to create an image of what women should be?
Men idealize this fantasy. Women strive to be that picture in the magazine. Furthermore, they hate those who are and hate themselves when they're not.
Unfortunately, I don't have the answers. I do, however, think about it a lot. I guess I even worry about it a lot.
Somewhere along the way, it all got into my head & I've convinced myself that if I don't look like this or act like that, even the love of my life, who I know would love me regardless, would somehow not find me beautiful or sexy enough.
As much as I don't want to care, I know that I do & it bothers me. I want to be happy with who I am, not what I seem to think I should be. Although, honestly, I am happy the majority of the time but then, whether it's hormones or just moments of weakness, there are a lot of times that I am not.
People are so fickle. I hate it when my boyfriend talks about some "hot chick" but I wouldn't like it if he didn't either. I always want to know, but then I'm upset when I know the truth.
Why the fuck does it matter?! Besides, as much as I like to think that I don't idealize certain men, I'm sure I absolutely do, consciously or not.
More than anything, I just want to be in people's heads. I want to know what's going on. I want to know how all this works. Why do we allow these ideals to ruin relationships, self-esteem, points of view?

Ethos...

According to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, the definition of ethos is "the distinguishing character, sentiment, moral nature, or guiding beliefs of a person."
As a student of journalism, I have seen more than my fair share of ethical fallacies and lapses in judgment. Lately I have been wondering, what ever happened to good old fashioned character?
I have been working on a group project on Health Care for my Newswriting class. One of my group members scooped the interview and contact information that another group member had set up and acquired and claimed them as his own. The same group member wrote questions that were not only unnecessary for the story, but completely insensitive to the families that were being interviewed. He wanted to ask sick and dying people how their intimate lives had changed and other things that were entirely too personal and uncomfortable.
The group and I decided that we should ask all the same questions in all of the interviews to ensure consistency. I ended up losing my main interview and looking like an insensitive prick because that group member reworded all of my initial questions into things that my couple didn't feel comfortable answering.
Furthermore, when my interview fell through, my dad suggested that I interview my parents and change the names to pass as the other interview. This completely goes against my moral character. How can people really consider things like that as an option?
What happened to the days when business was conducted in a manner of sympathy and decency? Why do people think it's OK to hurt people and push others down in an attempt to make way for yourself? When did people stop being so humble and become self-righteous, self-interested, insensitive muckrakers?

What happened to ethos?!