Cinq enseignements

Despite the constant threat of the rain clouds on the horizon, things have never looked brighter. I smile with every pore and every cell. I belong precisely where I am. (I just know it.)

A morning in bed. A boy that makes me laugh. A good book. A strong coffee. I'm in sheer bliss as of late.

Some things I've learned lately:

un.) Things are immaterial and unimportant. Things can be replaced. Place your stake in who and what you love, not what you have.

deux.) Put yourself first and you can never get hurt. When you are doing what pleases you, others tend to share in your pleasure. Especially those who truly love you. Those who don't understand, probably aren't worth having around anyhow.

trois.) Surround yourself with people and things that inspire you. Seeing others perform well, or write well, or speak well will challenge you. Always work harder and find people that will push your boundaries.

quatre.) Every moment is an opportunity to learn. Every single person you meet has a story and a lesson if you will just take the time to listen. Never stop questioning. Never suppress your curiosity.

cinq.) Learn to appreciate silence. Or at least mere white noise. We are on overload. A bunch of "quiet-ophobics" and "sound-oholics." Live in your thoughts for a while and be peaceful in that.

Bruises on my face and a kitten that won't stop meowing

Writing used to be therapeutic for me. Now I feel like I don't have anything worth saying. I'm just stuck inside my head with my stupid, selfish thoughts.

Thoughts of debauchery; wishing for something more, but not knowing where to start. I feel insatiable.

Maybe I'm not the one that isn't giving enough. Maybe I don't expect enough out of him. I don't want to rock the boat again so I leave it be. But maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I deserve more.

I need some motivation and direction. I don't want to be stuck here but I don't want to leave either. I don't know what I want to do but I know I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing now. My life is in shambles. Can someone please help me pick up the pieces?

P.S.

If anyone has any kitten training tips, I'm quite open to them. Gatsby is adorable but he is such a little shit.

I'm considering becoming an American in Paris...

Sometimes I feel insignificant. I've come to the realization lately that I put everything on myself. I run and work and worry. I put everything I have into the things that I do until I wither down to a single thread and at the end of the day, I still ask myself "Did I do enough? Am I enough?"

I will be a college-graduate in a few short weeks. I have lived in three different states and been in at least ten different schools, maybe more. I have seen both ends of the Atlantic. I have seen my father lose a two-year battle to Leukemia. I am 20 only years old.

I have done more in my life than some people who are double my age. I have the world at my feet, but I'm not always so self-confident.

Sometimes you have to crumble before you can rebuild. I may be a little weathered now, but I can feel something bursting at the seams. I'm ready for my next big adventure.

Cerebral Pining

I'm stuck in a nostalgic tidal wave and its threatening to pull me under.

Reminiscing is such a dangerous game. It starts out innocently enough but when your missing the ones you can't have and misunderstanding the ones you do, there's no way you can win. You're just stuck in your own head, with all the things you wish you could forget. You can't let go. You can't FUCKING let go.

All the memories (yours and mine) come flooding in. They march out of the darkest, cobwebbed corners of your brain. You thought they were dead but they were just pretending. They're threatening to take down everything that you have built for yourself. Everything that you worked for and lived for and bled for. You're watching it all fall.

All that's left to wonder is:

Can I pull myself back out of the rabbit hole or is it too late (again)?