Bruises on my face and a kitten that won't stop meowing

Writing used to be therapeutic for me. Now I feel like I don't have anything worth saying. I'm just stuck inside my head with my stupid, selfish thoughts.

Thoughts of debauchery; wishing for something more, but not knowing where to start. I feel insatiable.

Maybe I'm not the one that isn't giving enough. Maybe I don't expect enough out of him. I don't want to rock the boat again so I leave it be. But maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I deserve more.

I need some motivation and direction. I don't want to be stuck here but I don't want to leave either. I don't know what I want to do but I know I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing now. My life is in shambles. Can someone please help me pick up the pieces?

P.S.

If anyone has any kitten training tips, I'm quite open to them. Gatsby is adorable but he is such a little shit.

I'm considering becoming an American in Paris...

Sometimes I feel insignificant. I've come to the realization lately that I put everything on myself. I run and work and worry. I put everything I have into the things that I do until I wither down to a single thread and at the end of the day, I still ask myself "Did I do enough? Am I enough?"

I will be a college-graduate in a few short weeks. I have lived in three different states and been in at least ten different schools, maybe more. I have seen both ends of the Atlantic. I have seen my father lose a two-year battle to Leukemia. I am 20 only years old.

I have done more in my life than some people who are double my age. I have the world at my feet, but I'm not always so self-confident.

Sometimes you have to crumble before you can rebuild. I may be a little weathered now, but I can feel something bursting at the seams. I'm ready for my next big adventure.

Cerebral Pining

I'm stuck in a nostalgic tidal wave and its threatening to pull me under.

Reminiscing is such a dangerous game. It starts out innocently enough but when your missing the ones you can't have and misunderstanding the ones you do, there's no way you can win. You're just stuck in your own head, with all the things you wish you could forget. You can't let go. You can't FUCKING let go.

All the memories (yours and mine) come flooding in. They march out of the darkest, cobwebbed corners of your brain. You thought they were dead but they were just pretending. They're threatening to take down everything that you have built for yourself. Everything that you worked for and lived for and bled for. You're watching it all fall.

All that's left to wonder is:

Can I pull myself back out of the rabbit hole or is it too late (again)?

Rose tinted lies

I look at old photographs. Frozen moments in time. Me, my lover, my teddy bear, Mohican State Park, my friends, my family. Mementos of a different time.
I don't know if the world was really simpler, but it sure seemed that way. Back when the pale white walls of my room bore no signs of being inhabited. Before I called this still seeming foreign place home. Back when it was just me, Marilyn and Audrey.
They both seem so perfect, frozen forever in film reels. Never aging, never tiring. Just entirely lovely.
But that's a dream world. That place doesn't exist anymore.
It's just another rose tinted lie.

So today was on off day...stay with me and I'm sure we'll have a few hundred more...

Today was one of those days that I couldn't help but wonder, "If I leave my sunglasses on all day, do you think anyone will know I'm crying?"
The future is a scary thing...especially when you're trying to plan one for more than just yourself. You see, I fell in love. When that happens, all the things you had planned go out the window. Sometimes for the best, sometimes not, but always unexpected.
I'm one of those girls that likes to have a plan. I like to know where I'm going and what I'm doing. I've never been one to fly too far by the seat of my pants.
Apartments, jobs, grades, parents, boyfriends, roommates...sometimes I wish it was just plain ol' me. But really...what fun would that be?
Life sure ain't easy and it ain't always fun, but you do what you can and hope for the best. Sometimes, that's just all right by me.

I Felt Free....

And it's nights like this that made us feel alive...

The beginning to a weekend of phenomenal proportions...I attended a house show at "House House" last night. I got down. I conversed with some wonderful people. I loved life.
It was one of those nights where you feel like the world makes sense again. The sheer atmosphere of community enveloped everyone around. I felt like everyone was just waiting around the corner to meet me and be life-long friends. The sense of Do It Together, rather than Do It Yourself...No one is left to their own devices. Last night went beyond the singularity of being straight into the depths of love, friendship and neighborhood.
Tonight, I fully anticipate getting down even harder! I'm so ready to party with Thrice and Manchester Orchestra! LET'S FUCKING GOOOO!
Tomorrow, we celebrate all of the hard work that the fantastic Burr crew invested all semester long coming to fruition in the form of a simply marvelous publication! I'm very proud to have been a part of this endeavor. Tomorrow we want everyone to join us at Professor's Pub in Kent, Ohio at 7 p.m. for food, music and jubilation!!!
Saturday, I fear for the safety of my household (but in a good way?). The annual CollegeFest will be ravaging my street from approximately 9 a.m. until another fire breaks out (see photo above from last year...) or the police shut us down (see other photo from last year...) or we simply dissipate like good civilians...Regardless, it is sure to be an event not to be missed!

I'm just exactly where I want to be...

After all, it's you, my pride and me...

I've been putting this blogpost off for way too long. I'm not a very loyal writer. I'll doubt my abilities to translate my thoughts and simply avoid sitting down to the therapeutic roll of my fingers over the keys that I secretly miss so much.
I bought tickets to see two absolutely phenomenal bands today. I have a date with Mister Dustin Kensrue and Mister Andy Hull next Thursday.
Thrice has been one of my all-time favorite bands since I was in eighth grade. They have changed the way I see music. It's not about what you used to make, it's about what you have still yet to create.
The first time I saw Manchester Orchestra was with another band that I have listened to since my youth. Brand New was a very important part of my high school years, so seeing Manchester Orchestra before them was a monumental event. They have such a great aesthetic and don't subscribe to any genre. They always push themselves further and find new ways to interpret themselves.
On Thursday, these loose threads of my musical repertoire will entwine as I get to experience what is bound to be the concert of the year.
I have to admit that I fell behind on their discographies. I am catching up today and, my, how I have missed you guys!
Manchester Orchestra has found a harsher, rougher, earthier niche that suits them so perfectly! 'Means Everything to Nothing' has swept it's way up the rungs of my musical heirarchy. This album is a keeper. From the production quality to the use of instruments, their true musical ability really shines on this album. They have a much more organic sound, that is electronic and pulsing around the edges. It is the perfect juxtaposition of the former sharp, electric sounds of 'You Brainstorm, I Brainstorm, But Brilliance Needs A Good Editor' and the blues roots lo-fi feel that began to surface in 'Like A Virgin Losing A Child.'
Thrice, on the other hand, is just a whole 'nother mammal! These guys have never ceased to astound me with their constant progression. These guys don't burn bridges, they build them. As a matter of fact, they build entire highways. They don't let anything fall behind in what they have learned about their sound. Everything that you hear in this album can show you where they've been. They incorporate every punk-rock chord they used back in the 'Identity Crisis' days and every discordant melody they discovered with 'Alchemy Index.' Yet somehow, you can always find something new. The only thing that troubles me about this album is where will they go next? They've covered so much ground, what could be left? But then again, isn't that what I say everytime? That's the sign of true musicianship.